If you're on Facebook you may have seen Susan's beautiful post yesterday--a rather bad day for me. I really clung to the precious encouragement she gave me, as well as to the responses of so many treasured friends.
I remembered this morning that I am doing better this year than last. I didn't go to sleep last year until after 2:00 A.M., the time he breathed his last breath. I still was surprised that this feeling of sadness has been creeping up on me for several days. Actually, I had listened to a song on my iPod a while back and foolishly thought I would be able to post it as applying to me on this anniversary:
Sometimes a day goes by, one whole entire day, when I don't think of him
Twenty four hours pass, I look around and find...that I haven't thought of him
Not even when I'm somewhere we used to go, not even if there's someone we used to know
It's hardly every day, it's most unusual, in fact, I can't remember when, but
Sometimes a day goes by that I don't think of him, til morning comes and then...
There he is again.
Forgetting Jack for a whole day? This is not happening, oh grief expert that I am! I can't believe I ever thought it would. We were together every day for 52 years. He was and is an integral part of everything that is important to me! The good memories surround me. I think of him many times every day.
I read a great book this year called Major Pettigrew's Last Stand. The major was a widower, and I underlined something said about his grief which impressed me. "It surprised him that his grief was sharper than in the past few days. He had forgotten that grief does not decline in a straight line or along a slow curve like a graph in a child's math book." I think that sort of decline is exactly what I was expecting.
God just placed a scripture in my mind as I was writing this. It is Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."
